Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize