True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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