pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
