Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
