If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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