I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
