every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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