Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
