So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
