Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
