which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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