i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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