If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
