Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
