Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
This beer is not sobering me up at all
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize