U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Randomize
