why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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