Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
