Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
