so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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