the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
