I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Your dad touched me again.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
