he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
The ass gains better be worth it
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