nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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