I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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