I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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