I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
