I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
