so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
