Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
