Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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