Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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