Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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