3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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