I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
