my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
