well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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