Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
