That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
