you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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