U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize