My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
