as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
