i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
