1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
