Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
