The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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