How'd it feel making her break her religion?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
