Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
