My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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