Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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