I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
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