I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
