either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
