Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
