so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
