Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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